journals and jesus

like i said, writing, doodling, reading or sitting for a long about of time without becoming ravenous is not a trait i possess. but something happened to me back in september, when i was given my first journal. that's not to say that i have never journaled, but i think there was something about being given a journal that made it all the more special. ever since then, this little black journal of mine has become a true friend. i recently heard a quote, “People who keep journals have life twice.”― Jessamyn West. that quote got me thinking, it is true...when i journal, i relive every moment and emotion there was to be had during that day, so here is to my journal, and what i've been thinking recently.

with only four weeks left in my undergraduate studies career, i am at a crossroads. there is so much of me that wants to do something fun and adventurous, like travel to some remote land on the other side of the world; or maybe even explore places i have never seen here in the US, like niagara falls, but there is also an itch within me to give myself a smooth transition into this thing called, life as a college graduate.

upon walking across the stage on may 7th and hugging jon as he gives me my diploma, i will be walking away from life as i have known it for four years, and walking into a big question mark. there are only a few things i am certain of. the first is where i will live. this summer, i will be living with my lovely sister before she gets married :) i could not be more excited for her..to live and sit with her during this pre-marriage process is going to be a gift, filled with moments of joy and honor.

the second thing i am sure of is this job i have accepted with nordstrom. i am excited..kind of. like i said earlier, there is something within me that has always wanted to do something different. to fly away and experience life where it is different. where i am not comfortable, and where no one is familiar. as for now though, i am trusting the lord and his purposes.
the last thing i am certain of, is the lord and his goodness. as i picked up journalling, i somehow picked up reading books..and as i realized my love for books; two friends gave me books that once again reminded me of how big God is. one of them spoke on childlike-faith and what it means to pursue the lord with a heart of innocence, holding back nothing and offering all of myself unto him. i think sometimes i  forget that.  i forget what the innocence of a child is like, and i try to bring god into my agenda..fitting him into my schedule. but then i am humbled, either by books or friends or whomever when i sit and just think about the lord. the other book i am almost done reading is called BIG GOD.  i love it. and although  i am confused by a lot right now, i am the most certain of one thing, that god is big. god is faithful. god is truth. and god is love. if i just quiet myself and remember all of these things, i know he has it all under control.

yesterday in one of my classes (which also happens to be one of my favorite classes during my study here at apu), i raised my hand and was going to ask the professor a question. i started off by saying, " if god is all knowing..." he stopped me right there. he said, "erica, how do you know that about god?", i said " i read it in the word." and he said " but how do you know it?" of course...i had just been called out by mr professor in front of the whole class. but rather than being humiliated or embarrassed for asking a question, i was humbled. my professor went onto say that God is not human. we humanize god because we want to understand him. we assume god is a he, becase we are sexual creatures.we assume god is human, because we are human. he then said, " its important to know that we worship 'God' ( points to heaven), not 'god' ( points to his head), if we worship 'god' ( pointing to his head, again)..then we are worshipping ourselves."

so there it was..everything i try and box God inside, is just a figment of my imagination, me trying to make God human so i can understand him. but God was never a human, he always was a creator. all i know is he is big, full of possibilites. i will stick to that for now.

love,
erica