Becoming the Me I want to be.

These days, I've been thinking a lot about the me I want to be.

Since my life transition of uprooting myself to mountainy Colorado, I have been thinking recently of what I am becoming and whom I've become over these past 6 months. How bout these past 9 months.

I remember the first few months of being a "college graduate."I remember the few weeks lying in my bed in Santa Monica. The warm, crisp air making the blinds chatter, as I would eat, workout, read, eat and do it all over again. There was something about having the entire day to myself--for days--and thinking about all that had just unfolded in my life.

I remember starting my internship with Nordstrom in early June. My sister dropped me off and I wore the shirt I wore today to work..also at Nordstrom, only in Colorado. I remember the sense of intimidation and fear as I saw my fellow interns in $250 shoes, carrying genuine leather "handbags". I've always called them "purses". Our lunch break was great. We were all new and talked about our alma maters and how we wound up landing this nordstrom gig. The ocean was right beneath us, and my sunglasses kept me from squinting.

I remember the decision and the move to colorado. I remember journalling on the plane and writing by the next time I land, I will be in my new home..and I do not know how long this journey will last. When I got off the plane, I looked like a fool. Colorado was supposed to be cold. It was 98 degrees. I remember driving what my roommate and I thought would be a 15minute drive, to go and pick up my bed from an ad on craigslist. I remember sleeping on top of my bed because the heat was too sticky and humid to bear. I remember feeling independence and homesickness with every breath.

I remember--over the past 9 months-- being irritated, selfish, happy, despondent, nostalgic, content, homesick, proud, uncertain, certain, lively, dross. I feel as if I've felt it all. Amidst all of the feelings, uprooting, uncertainty, happiness and loneliness, I have discovered a refreshing way of encountering God.

The me I want to be wants to feel. I want to be real and raw. I want to be full of adventure and wanderlust. I want to be confident and doubtful. I want to discover and explore. I want to arrest moments in time I know are one in a million. I want to practice righteousness and grace. I want to be a person who is more about mercy and grace than accusations and defense.

They say life starts now. It does not start when you become a bridezilla, or find out you have a baby in the oven. It does not start when you send the not-so-kiddos off to college. Life starts now. The me I want to be starts now. Time and Space know no difference of my circumstances. If I want to become who I want to be, I must apprehend the now.