the not so pretty

a few months ago, one of my friends posted a blog called " the other side" or something to that affect, and i loved it. it was raw and pure and true and showed me the realness of her, and although i enjoyed what she wrote...i was too afraid to write something like that for myself. i was afraid of what people might think, and quite frankly..i didn't want to expose the ugly parts of me...but i think its time.

when i started blogging, it was a pretty consistent thing. i would sit alone, with some frederick chopin music in the background (yes i know..classical, is the only way i can write), and i would set out to write on "paper" what had been on my mind. i would blog consistently because i always had something that challenged me, or made me wonder about people, God, or this world.

but recently, i've got nothin. life is the same everyday for me. i either am working an 8 hour shift, or i am catching up on sleep cause i am exhausted. in the down time, i read, blog, and go grocery shopping. i dont really have time for friends, because the time that i do have to myself is used to catch up on the necessary things in life, aka..bill paying, groceries, sleeping and helping my sis plan her big wedding day! and although this entry is less than glamourous, it is the truth. i haven't blogged because i do not know what to blog about. my prayer recently is to have a heart after that of Ruth. she was a kind, committed and faithful soul. she stuck near to her mother in-law in times of anguish and distress, and the lord rewarded her for her devotion. in studying the book of ruth, i have been convicted of the intentions of my heart. life is so different now, and i am not sure how to handle it. i am used to everything having a beginning and end point, and essentially life could continue like this forever..wake up, go to work, go to bed...repeat.

so i am not sure how to make sense of any of this. life is different, and i am aware of that. i guess the thing i miss most is learning in an academic sense. my identity has been shaped around life in academia, and now that it is not, well, i am not sure what to think. will i get used to not learning everyday, or will i always miss it?

i am not sure, at all. but I am certain i can remain devoted in what i pursue.